5 December 2011

Lemons are sweeter as lemonade.

It has been a while since I have blogged here.
And I have been through a roller-coaster of emotionally pushy and trying events.
We all know the cliques, (live in the moment, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, love yourself) and it seems sad that they are overused and un-acknowledged despite their truth and soul feeding goodness.

But one thing I have realised through having my heart stomped on dramatically and seemingly intentionally is that you can only be in this moment. If you get caught up with how 'wonderful our relationship was, why did it end' or 'we planned a future together, everything I have is reminded of them' or 'we were so perfect, I loved them so whole heartedly, how could I ever give my heart to anyone else or find someone like them' then you only make yourself more upset and it isnt fact. not entirely.

Then you stop. You stop thinking of the past and future. You start and finish with the moment.

Step 1:
Acknowledge your feelings
If you are still madly in love, then don't lie to yourself. If you are angry, acknowledge it. It's only natural. If you pretend that you're over the whole thing and attempt to keep that perky shiny face smiling, then it only stifles things and you end up hurting the person that is closest to you, yourself.
You dont need to tell every person in your life, but admitting the feelings to yourself is a wonderful first step

Step 2:
Trust me when I say 'grieve'. If you keep it all bottled up, you'll end up exploding elsewhere. Get the grieving over and done with in a gentle way so that you never have to open that can of worms again.

Step 3:
You will have many over this time, BUT take your own advice.
Mine to myself was

"You have to ask yourself, if you love him more than you love yourself? In which case breaking up is the only option and what he gave you was the ultimate gift. The gift of self realisation and self actualisation. he gave you the gift of love. to love yourself and reconnect with yourself. You know that as soon as you choose to need only your self and are comfortable with it then the timing will be perfect for a new love. Let go of the "love" you hold on him and shift it. Reuse it on yourself, taking as much time, money, experiences, dates, flowers and space that you need with yourself to make it happen. Right now, letting him go as a lover and shifting the love to yourself is hard but necessary. As much as you thought it was right, it was equally wrong and could never be anything other than what it is now. As much as your thought you needed him, that's how much you needed yourself.
Hold onto loneliness and live in the now. Its okay to change your mind. He loved you in a previous now as he does not in this now, and its alright. it happens and you, yourself change your mind every so often too! Rekindle the lost love with yourself and see the miraculous solutions and experiences happen."

Step 4:
Space and time
Yes, the age old, give it time. And when you're impatient like me, the thought of waiting for anything makes your gag, especially a heart to heal and friendship to mend.
But in all truth, don't try and push yourself past the limits, your own limits. Don't attempt to become friends straight away because you will end up collapsing emotionally despite thinking you can be really really strong and get through and be friends immediately. Well if you can I applaud you. You're doing better than me, but realistically being friends is unhealthy, sleeping together is just a death wish (If they really wanted you they would be with you, sleeping with them just allows the whole 'Cake and eat it too' scenario to be on a nice steady loop)
The more you push those boundaries the more the healing process stays on a halt. the more time and space you give to yourself away from them, the more you can heal and get on with life with a prospect of being friends in the future if the damage is rectifiable with time.

Step 5:
Love Yourself
How amazing are you to be capable of holding and giving more love than you ever thought you could? And it seems big. Really really big. But it is constantly expanding. The 'love' you felt is only scratching the surface of 'love' there is so much more to experience, so much more to do, so many more wonderful humans to fill you life with and so many hobbies and interests to develop. How amazing is it that you are such a powerful creature to be able to get through what you have and remain standing. Give yourself credit. You went to hell and back but you did it. And yes, you deserve a medal! But if you think clearly, get to a wonderful space in your mind, maybe you'll realise that had you loved yourself more, or even at all, then you probably wouldn't have taken this so hard. You wouldn't have felt like you were one half of a whole, instead you are a whole and the next person you meet who loves you will join you to be two awesome wholes instead of two halves. cup fully full situation.
Hey, you're not alone, loving yourself is difficult. I know many people older than myself who still feel sick at the thought but if you start young, you avoid more problems later on.
And yeah it means you gotta be your own best friend, but if you cant be your own best friend how can anyone else?

Step 6
There are so many things to do, to discover. Give up the car and the technology and go places by yourself. Take yourself on dates, go out dancing, read books and go for long walks. Exercise, eat well, have girls nights (or boys nights) and learn a new language. Find out what your gifts and strengths are and build on them. Travel and go outside of the little relationship bubble you existed in before and rediscover what it means to be you so you never have to lose yourself again. Make new friends, go to the beach, look at the stars, cloud watch, have your tarot read for fun or draw, make music, take yourself shopping, take up a class. And remember that being alone doesn't mean you're lonely. Embrace it. Watch movies in the dark, redesign your bedroom or adopt a pet. The list is endless.
One thing that I have noticed is that my own company isn't as unbearable as i thought, it's rather enjoyable and the common interests and philosophies that you held with your previous partner can be found in new friends but more of them with even more suitable interests and qualities.
So one door closes and 200 more doors open. I know which one i'd take.

1 comment:

Ebony said...

My friend just directed me to your blog. This is my head on virtual paper. This is going to help so much, it already has helped so much. It sucks we both have to go through this but hey! everything happens for a reason. And I've just started realising and truly believing this the past week :)